One of the deepest fears in grief is that you'll lose them twice — first to death, and then to forgetting. That their voice will fade. That you'll move so far into your new life that they'll be left behind. But here's what grief research now tells us: death ends a life, but it doesn't end your relationship. You can learn to love them in absence, not just in presence. And that connection can bring comfort, not only pain.

The Shift From "Moving On" to Continuing Bonds

For a long time, grief theory told us the goal was to "let go" and "move on." But this never felt right to the people actually living through loss — and now the research agrees.

The modern understanding of grief is built around continuing bonds: the idea that your relationship with the person who died doesn't end. It changes, yes. It takes a new form. But it continues.

Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality. — Emily Dickinson

You may no longer have them in your present, and you no longer have your future together. But this doesn't mean they won't still feel alive to you. You might speak to them in your head, consider their feelings, want to make them proud. These aren't signs you're stuck in grief. They're signs the relationship is still alive.

Where Do You Imagine Them to Be?

One of the first steps in nurturing this continuing relationship is figuring out where you visualise them.

When you think of the person who died, where do you imagine them to be? Are they in a specific place, like the family home, or where their ashes were scattered? Are they looking down on you from above? Are they in your heart? Are they with you all the time, or only when you want them to be?

This might be linked to religious beliefs, or it might simply be what feels right for you. There are no right or wrong answers.

Figuring out where you visualise them can help you connect to them and carry them with you in your mind — creating a stable internal place where you can trust they are still "in you" while you live in the now.

Touchstones: Tangible Ways to Stay Connected

Studies have found that connecting to those who have died, and carrying them with us, reduces painful emotions while increasing positive ones. Finding tangible ways to express your ongoing relationship — what Julia calls "touchstones" — can be deeply healing.

Touchstones might include:

• Places — their favourite park, the street they grew up on, a restaurant you loved together, locations where you shared meaningful memories.
• Objects — a treasured piece of jewellery, their watch or scarf, photographs, a favourite painting, items that carry their presence.
• Activities — cooking their signature dish, taking walks they loved, playing cards in the evening, continuing traditions they started.
• People — connecting with their closest friends, colleagues, or family members who knew them well and can share memories.

One of the most memorable examples Julia shares is of a mother named Caitlin, whose husband David died. Caitlin and her children found ways to keep David with them every day: they lit "Daddy's candle" every evening, and when they piled their scrambled eggs too high on their toast — which David always did — they would say that "Daddy did it." These small, instinctive rituals helped them continue their relationship with him.

Their Voice Lives Within You

There are many ways the relationship continues that you might not have considered.

Think about the parts of them that live within you: What did you learn from them? What passions or skills did they share with you? What positive traits did they bring out in you? What values or beliefs did they hold that you now carry?

You can continue to seek their guidance. When facing decisions or difficult situations, you might ask yourself: what would they advise? What would they think? Many people find they have an internal version of their loved one who can still guide them — on parenting decisions, career choices, or simply when they feel down.

Rituals That Anchor You

Creating concrete rituals can help stabilise your emotions and give your connection a physical form.

• Light a candle each evening in their memory.
• Write letters or postcards to them — telling them about your life, what you're struggling with, what you wish you could share.
• Build a memory box with photographs, letters, and special belongings.
• Visit their grave or a meaningful place on significant dates.

These aren't ways of holding onto pain. They're ways of externalising your love — giving it somewhere to go, something to do. And over time, these touchstones can bring happiness as you feel connected to them and remember all you shared.

The Conflict Between Head and Heart

There's often a battle between your head and your heart in grief.

Your heart might feel that if you start to think about them less, you're forgetting them. You might feel guilty when you laugh, or notice you've gone a whole afternoon without thinking of them. Sometimes we hold onto the pain because it feels like the only way to hold onto them.

But your head knows you deserve to experience more than just grief. You deserve to be happy again.

These two truths can coexist. It's not that your love is shrinking — it's that your life is growing around it. You can allow yourself to think about and miss them, while also allowing new thoughts and experiences in. You can have them in the front of your mind when you're actively grieving, and then let them move further back as you engage with your present.

This is what Julia calls loving in absence, not just in presence.

Dosing Your Connection

Healthy adaptation involves what researchers call oscillation — moving between the pain of loss and the tasks of living.

You don't have to grieve constantly to prove your love. And you don't have to avoid grief entirely to survive. The healthiest approach is somewhere in between: giving yourself dedicated time to feel the loss, to look at photos, to cry, to remember — and then taking a break to focus on current life.

Both are necessary. Both are part of healing. You can hold the love from the past while embracing the present.

If You Would Like More Support

The Grief Works Programme offers gentle guidance for building and nurturing your continuing relationship with the person who died.

Session 22: Continuing Relationships helps you explore how your relationship continues — the ways they've shaped you, the guidance they still offer, and how to hold the love from the past while living fully in the present.

Session 23: Staying Connected guides you in creating touchstones — places, objects, activities, and rituals that help you express and externalise your ongoing bond. It includes a meditation to help you visualise where they are now and connect to them in a way that brings comfort.

Their death doesn't end your relationship with them. You can still love them. You can still be connected. You just learn to carry them differently.